Where You Belong
by doolittledarvey
Summary: Set during Mike's trial. Harvey finally works up the courage to try and have a relationship with Donna, but he keeps getting everything wrong. #darvey. Lots and lots of angst! I've tried to make it as realistic as possible. There will be a few chapters. My first fanfic ... Yay, me! :D
1. Chapter 1 - The Second Time

WHERE YOU BELONG

"I know you haven't made your mind up yet,

But I would never do you wrong

I've known it from the moment that we met

No doubt in my mind where you belong

I'd go hungry I'd go black and blue

I'd go crawling down the avenue

No, there's nothing that I wouldn't do

To make you feel my love"

CHAPTER ONE

Harvey Specter has always thrived on stress. In fact he prided himself on his ability to come into his own whenever the firm was in danger. He was a rock: strong and unwavering when everyone around him – particularly Louis – were falling apart. Right now his rock-like determination to win was what was holding the team together.

When Mike was arrested and charged with fraud he felt the all too familiar surge of adrenalin rush through his body. He was afraid and he would have done anything to make all of his friend's troubles go away, yet he was also excited. He couldn't explain why he felt excited, but there was just something about high stakes which thrilled him.

Mike's defence was undeniably one of the hardest things he'd ever had to deal with. He felt a great weight of responsibility for the young man who had so earnestly strolled into his interviews five year ago. He had known straight away that Mike was special and the thrill of turning this brilliant, but unqualified, guy into a corporate lawyer had given him such a buzz at the time. It was one of those edgy, impossible quests which he thrived on. Would he be able to convince the world that a drug-dealing college drop-out was in fact a Harvard graduate? He hadn't once doubted he would be able to pull off the illusion. He dared to achieve the unbelievable day in, day out, but this became his masterpiece and Mike's gargantuan rise to junior partner in the firm, with only a handful of people knowing the truth that he was a fraud, was testament to his brilliance.

In the beginning he hadn't realised his big idea would put other people in jeopardy too. Jessica had been furious when she found out Harvey, her friend and her partner, had pulled such a stunt. Pearson Specter Litt was her life's achievement and Harvey – the man she had groomed to run the law firm with her – had put all of that in jeopardy. To say Jessica Pearson's opinion of Mike Ross wasn't the best would be an understatement. Harvey knew this all too well, but he also knew that Jessica realised Mike was an incredible lawyer and she had benefited from having him in her firm over the years. Jessica would defend Mike because she had no choice.

Then there was Louis Litt. Louis?! Huh, hardly a day went by when Harvey and Louis didn't go at each other over something. They were chalk and cheese. Harvey was cool, calm, considered and confident. Louis was over emotional, over dramatic, eternally paranoid and he had a chip on his shoulder the size of China. Yet, underneath the teasing and the mocking and all of the ridiculous ways Louis vied for supremacy and needed constant validation, Harvey admired Louis for his loyalty. He would never admit it to his infuriating colleague, but he considered Louis a friend and he regretted his folly had placed him in danger too.

Finally there was Donna. Since Mike's arrest, Harvey's heart ached whenever he thought about his beautiful secretary. There was no category in which Donna seemed to fit in his life and for years Harvey hadn't been able to admit to himself that he cared for her … No, admit that he loved her. He loved Donna. He loved her more than anybody he had known in his entire life. She was always there by his side with her good advice, her legendary observations and her biting sarcasm. The fun teasing laced with innuendo was what he and Donna were all about. God, how he loved her teasing, her laughter, her confidence. It was true that she was his secretary and that she had worked for him for over a decade, but every time he called her by her job title – his secretary – he felt as if he were belittling her. She was more than just an employee. She was more than his friend. He had thought she was more than a lover, but to think about her in that way shook him to the core and he shut himself down. What if? There was always the 'what if' that would send his thoughts crashing back to reality. What if he screwed up like he had with Scottie, and Zoe and all the other girls he had ever tried to have a romantic relationship with?

Losing Scottie hadn't really mattered to him in the long run. He thought he loved Scottie, but he hadn't truly loved her and he hadn't ever needed her. He knew he had never needed anybody the way he needed Donna and he kept things ticking along with her the way they'd always been – as friends – because he was terrified of doing what he always did whenever he had a woman in his life. He always screwed up. He couldn't risk screwing up with Donna. When she left him to work for Louis she had broken him. He couldn't lose her again. THAT was unthinkable.

He sat down on his leather sofa, trying to focus on the job at hand. His coffee table was littered with papers, past cases, documents all telling him the same thing. The task of getting a very guilty Mike off the hook for fraud was going to be the toughest of his life so far.

He was all set to pull another all-nighter, which he didn't mind. It wasn't as if there was anything or anybody waiting for him at his condo. His head was racing with ideas, but every time he thought he had an angle … BAM! The analytical side of his brain, or the rational, or the creative would kick in and tell him it wasn't going to work. He had time. He wasn't going to give in until he had it and if all his years' experience as the best goddamn lawyer in New York City had taught him one thing, it had taught him he always wins.

It was nearing midnight and the office's bright lights had dimmed to a warm glow letting him know most people who worked in the building would be at home in their beds now and it was likely he was alone on his floor. He had just seen Mike and Rachel heading home together, Donna had been searching for some records Louis had thought could be useful in the file room and had probably left a while ago. Louis was? Well who cares where Louis was. Probably at the ballet or out mudding with a cat. Did he have a new cat? He couldn't even remember but he chuckled to himself at the thought of Louis sitting in a bath of mud with a cat snuggled in next to him. And Jessica had left early to clear her head and get some sleep. She was a morning person, which he wasn't. He expected her to be the first person he would see when he woke up from an agonisingly uncomfortable few hours' sleep on his sofa. She would be immaculately dressed as always, made-up, coiffured and ready to do business at 6am. He would feel like hell.

"Anything I can get you before I go?" said Donna's quiet voice from just inside his office.

"Donna? I thought you'd gone home already," he said with a smile genuinely surprised to see her. She smiled back and waited, watching him with eyes that knew him better than he knew himself. Those eyes. He swore she could see into his soul with those eyes. Knowing all of his secrets and all of his desires. How could she not know how much he loved her? When she had asked him 'love me how' months ago during that fateful day when she decided to abandon him for Louis, he couldn't answer her. He was terrified of what revealing the truth would mean, but he was also certain that she already knew. So why did he have to say it out loud?

"It took me hours to find that stuff Louis wanted and when I eventually did, you know what he said? It took him all of five seconds to decide it wasn't any use after all. Can you believe it? Of course you can. It's goddamn Louis we're talking about. Anyway, he's gone home without even saying sorry, the asshole!"

He laughed. She was rolling her eyes in that way of hers and he was imagining her reprimanding Louis for being the asshole everyone knew he was. She was the best at putting Louis in his place and had had the measure of him from day one. He loved that about her. He would pay good money to watch her chastise Louis, but he also admired how she had forged a genuinely strong bond with him. She cared for him deeply and she looked out for him when barely anybody else in the firm gave him the time of day and that was the measure of her. Her compassion was boundless.

He watched her shut down her console and get her coat. His stomach lurched. There was so much he wanted to say to her, but he hated talking about his feelings. His therapist, Dr Agard, had helped him open up and understand that his hopelessness with relationships stemmed from his mother's betrayal of the family. He got that now. But knowing why he was dreadful at relationships was one thing and unfortunately that's where Dr Agard's assistance had ended. Sure, he knew why he sucked, but he didn't know how to un-suck.

She walked past his office on her way out and glanced at him through the glass mouthing 'goodnight'. "Donna", he shouted after her. 'shit, here we go' he thought and his heart missed a beat.

"Yes," she replied sticking her head through the door again.

"I … erm … this is … have a good night," he croaked nervously.

"What is it Harvey?" she asked. Her eyes narrowed to a frown as a flash of concern shot across her face.

His stomach lurched again. "It's nothing" he said out of habit, shutting his eyes and mentally kicking himself. "Go home, get some sleep, it's late."

She came into the room and stood before him. "Harvey?" she said with a worried tone in her voice which meant one thing. If he didn't get this right, he was going to get his ass kicked again and they would end up fighting. He took a deep breath. 'What the fuck am I waiting for?' he thought as he gathered up everything he had and decided there was no right, perfect time to do this, so it may as well be now.

"I love you," he said keeping his head buried into the papers in his hand which he was pretending to read. He wanted to look into her eyes so much, but he didn't know what the hell to expect after the last time he confessed his feelings.

Donna sat next to him on the sofa and he felt it. Butterflies. Churning. Fear at the back of his throat. Sweating. 'Jesus, please don't let me have a panic attack' he thought.

"Harvey, look at me" she said tenderly, taking the papers from his hands and forcing him to turn to look at her. God she was so beautiful. Her thick fiery red hair cascaded over her shoulders and framed her face, revealing those eyes which were now looking at him pleading for him not to screw up. "Harvey, we've been here before," she said gently, "you know what happens next, don't you?"

Her smile said it all. It relaxed him and the churning dimmed a little. "Yeah," he said wryly. "You say, 'love me how' and I say something fucking stupid."

Donna laughed. She wasn't laughing in her usual way. She wasn't telling him, 'ok that's over with' now I'm going to tease you mercilessly'. Instead, her laugh was warm and it told him that she knew.

"This is hard for me," he said quickly, catching that knowing expression of hers. He hoped she'd understand what he was trying to say to her and take over the conversation.

"Harvey, I know it's hard for you, but you can't keep on doing this to me. It's not fair."

"I know. It's just hard to tell you 'how' I love you because I've never loved anybody the way I love you. It's different. You're different."

Donna's eyes welled up. She looked down nervously and he could see the rawness of the emotions in her face. He reached out to touch her. To brush her hair and stroke her face, but as soon as his hand drew near he stopped and pulled away. They didn't touch. Ever since The One Time they'd done everything in their power to avoid touching each other.

He watched her slowly turn her face to look at him. Her eyes were teary. "Harvey" she pleaded, "why now?"

"I've wanted to put things right for months. You deserved an answer to that question months ago but I couldn't … I didn't know how to answer. I was afraid to answer you. You're my best friend and I don't want to screw things up with you".

He caught her gaze. She looked confused but he didn't think he'd fucked up … yet … so he decided to go for it. He decided to unburden himself with words that were long overdue. "You know me better than I know myself. I would do anything for you. I won't ever let anything bad happen to you, you know that. I'll fight for you and do everything I can to keep you safe. Always. When I think of you I feel sick to my stomach with fear. I'm terrified of losing you but I've never done anything … god, seriously … I know I've done nothing to deserve you. You make me feel like … like I've never loved another woman in my life and, you know what? I don't think I ever have. I thought I had, but I haven't, not really. I haven't loved anybody like I love you. You're the reason I go on. You're the reason I do this shit every day. You make me who I am. You're everything to me."

He watched her face intently. 'shit please let that be good enough' he thought. His temperature was starting to rise and he felt his heart beating deep in his throat.

And then she kissed him.

Her lips were so gentle and he felt as if she were trying to talk through them as she softly placed them on his. Her touch was so tender and warm and he felt a fire rising within him. A fire that had been raging unchecked for over a decade. She drew away and looked into his eyes. He smiled. She moved in closer and she reached out to touch his face, his hair, the back of his head, drawing him towards her. She sighed and placed her forehead on his. "Thank you" she whispered and she kissed him again. This time slower and stronger, parting her mouth and letting her tongue taste his fear.

And then he lost control. He had tried so hard to do everything right. To not fuck up. But he wasn't prepared for the strength of his longing for her. He stood up from the sofa, taking her with him, kissing her all the time. He kept checking she was ok, that this was what she wanted and her smile and the yearning he could see in her own eyes gave him the answer.

He was aching to consume her. To finally have her completely as his own, but even he wasn't prepared for the adrenalin which was coursing through him. Weeks of built up stress surged within his body as he picked her up and pushed her up against his office wall. She yelped in shock as she felt the weight of him holding her up, his lips searching for her neck, her shoulders and her mouth, over and over again. His kisses were forceful and powerful, telling her that he now knew that she was what he wanted.

And she kissed him back feverishly. Her hands pulling at his hair, her legs wrapped around his. He let his hands move over her body, touching her freckled porcelain arms, the fullness of her breasts, her long legs … he pushed up her dress, clawing at the stiff, electric blue fabric which was in his way and pulling it up over her thighs. She moaned softly into his mouth and he quickly looked into her eyes checking she was ok before un-belting his pants and releasing himself.

It was all so quick and intense. 'Is this what we were waiting for?', he wondered briefly before raising her up against the wall again, wrapping her legs around his waist and entering her fast and deep, building up a pace, his heart pumping and his mouth kissing every inch of her.

She came first, her walls tightening around him as she wrapped her arms tight around his neck, her shrieks shattering the silence of the office. He slowed his pace briefly, allowing her to recover, then he began again. His need and his yearning consuming him once more as he thrust into her over and over again until he eventually filled her and felt the release he needed. It was done.

They stood motionless for a while. He was still holding her up. She still had her legs wrapped possessively around him. God how he had wanted this moment. 'What now?' he thought. They'd crossed the line into the place they'd both wanted to go, but they had both been resisting this for years, afraid of how they felt. Could they handle this? Could they have what other … what normal people had?

He was so caught up in his thoughts that he hadn't heard her sob. When he felt her tears on his neck he lowered her to the floor, filled with concern. "Have I hurt you?" he said, his voice desperate with concern. She shook her head. Tears were falling freely from her eyes now and it looked as though she was trying her hardest to regain composure. "Donna, please?" he asked again, "Please tell me?"

She wiped the wetness from her face and pushed her dress back down to her knees. "It shouldn't have been like this", was all she said. Her voice was full of sadness and … in his mind … it was full of regret. His heart sank and everything came crashing down around him. Seconds after experiencing the greatest joy he had ever had he collapsed into absolute despair.

Donna walked towards the door, grabbing her coat and without looking back at him, she ran out of the office.

He watched her leave feeling nothing but horror at what had just happened. He couldn't move, he couldn't call after her, he couldn't go to her. He was frozen. He'd screwed it up already. ALREADY. How the hell was he ever going to put this right?


	2. Chapter 2 - Apartment 206

WHERE YOU BELONG

"The storms are raging on the rolling sea,

And on the highway of regret.

The winds of change are blowing wild and free,

You ain't seen nothing like me yet.

I could make you happy, make your dreams come true.

Nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the earth for you,

To make you feel my love"

CHAPTER TWO

Donna Paulsen's head was pounding and the pain was unbearable. How had she allowed this to happen? Her 'rule' existed for a very good reason and she had only ever broken it once with Stephen Huntley and God, look at the hellish mistake that ended up being! Feelings of anxiety, elation, regret, fulfilment, fear and, dare she think it, love, spun around in her brain the entire taxi ride home to her apartment and now she had a killer of a headache. She had never been so mixed up. These past few weeks had tested everybody she cared about to the limit. They had supported each other and they had fought with each other. Although she knew she wasn't in as much danger as Mike or Harvey, or her best friend Rachel, she had been feeling the stress of the situation too. In truth, none of them were safe. So why in hell had this happened now? It was horrible timing.

For months Harvey had consumed her thoughts. Jeez, who was she kidding? For years, Harvey had consumed her thoughts. Did she love him? Were they just friends, or was there something more? Of course she had known for some time that she had felt more than just 'friendship' for Harvey Specter, but along with this realisation came the sad fact that he would never be able to give her what she wanted. She watched him jump from one night stand to failed relationship over and over again and each time she wanted to scream at him to sort his life out. She had told him after Scottie left that he needed to sort out the crap with his mother. He had denied his mother's betrayal was the root of his problems with women of course, and so it continued. Her role was to pick up the pieces, cheer him up with a sarcastic admonition then repeat, and repeat again, ad nauseam.

For years, the One Time had been the only time in Donna's relationship with Harvey where they had crossed the line. Then, out of nowhere, there had been the 'I love you'. He had spoken three small words to her which cruelly suggested he might feel something more than friendship, but he hurt her deeply when he backtracked the next day. He brushed his feelings aside, he brushed her aside and he denied it all. After the One Time it had been easy to go back, or so she had thought. The 'I love you' had been different. It had forced her to evaluate her life and all that was lacking in it. She knew deep down that she had been right when she told Rachel that you could never go back. Now, she had allowed a Second Time to happen and she knew there was definitely no going back. There was no way things could ever return to normal after this.

The day after that night in her apartment – the night of the 'I love you' – she started to resent Harvey for the life she had lost. She couldn't pinpoint the exact moment when her life had gone to shit as it had been a gradual process. She used to be happy. She had the enjoyment of her work, her acting ambitions, her family of colleagues and … she had him. She loved being around Harvey and their friendship was special, but in time she needed more. She wanted what other women had. She wanted a loving relationship and she wanted a family. How long was she going to sit outside Harvey Specter's office answering his phone, slaving into the night on his cases and putting every effort into making him feel good about himself? This was what her life had become – all about him. And it made her feel pathetic.

Donna climbed the stairs to the second floor of her apartment building. She felt like hell and she couldn't wait to crash on her bed and have a good cry. She had been sobbing since she left the office earlier, but there was something therapeutic about curling up in her own bed with a box of tissues and letting it all out. Her hands trembled as she struggled with placing the key in her apartment door. 'Damn it, you're Donna, get in control' she told herself.

She slammed her door behind her, flung her bag down, kicked off her shoes and went straight to her bathroom cupboard. Shit no paracetamol. Typical. She briefly considered going back out and visiting the 7-11 at the end of her block but then thought, 'fuck that', and poured herself a large glass of wine instead.

She lay down on her sofa, curling her legs underneath her and took a giant swig of the warm red liquid. 'Much better than paracetamol' she decided and she took another large swig, splashing some wine down the front of her dress in the process. She didn't care. She knew she would never wear the dress again. Not after tonight.

She closed her eyes and images flooded her mind. She indulged in how Harvey's kisses had felt. She remembered feeling his hands moving over her and how much she had wanted him. She recalled the look in his eyes during their love-making, the hunger told her precisely how much he wanted her. God, she hoped she would never forget that look in his eyes. Her back still hurt from where he had pushed her up against the wall and her stomach lurched at the memory of how passionate and powerful and strong he had been. She had never had sex like that before. Over the years, she had often thought about the possibility of a Second Time, but she had never imagined it would have been like that. She always imagined sex with Harvey as fun and playful – just like it had been the First Time. The aggressiveness of their frenzied encounter in his office earlier in the night had completely overwhelmed her. It seemed so strange. So completely alien to their relationship. That's why she had ran from him. She was afraid of her own feelings, but she was absolutely terrified of his.

She needed more wine. Already. She didn't have the energy to keep getting up to top up her glass every five minutes so she decided to get the bottle – no two bottles – and brought them back to the sofa. She couldn't go to bed. She knew she wouldn't sleep, so she lay on the sofa thinking of ways she could avoid dealing with what she had just done. All she could think about was hiding. She would stay in bed all day tomorrow and avoid him. She would avoid everybody.

*ping*

'Shit' she thought as she heard the familiar sound of her cell phone receiving a message. She knew it was Harvey. She was tired, her head was killing her and she couldn't deal with this right now.

*ping*

'Fuck! Why can't he leave me alone!' She reached for her phone and there they were. Two messages from Harvey Specter.

Harvey:

"Donna I do not regret what just happened. I love you."

Harvey:

"Donna I'm not leaving things like this. I'm coming over."

'Shit, shit, shit'. She fumbled with her phone. She hated text messaging and she knew she'd had too much wine to make the damn thing work.

Donna:

"Hrvey. Im OK. Dnt gome tound". *send*

'Shit. Typos! Goddamn stupid phone".

*ping*

Harvey:

"You can't spell for shit. I'll be there in 5".

'Five minutes. For crying out loud, why can't he leave me the hell alone'! She knew the answer why, of course, and she was scared. She got rid of the wine bottles and remembered the dress. 'Crap I look like a Central Park wino'. She hurried into her bedroom and changed into a top and sweatpants, catching sight of her bruised back in the mirror. 'That's going to hurt for a bit, goddamn him,' she thought.

The knock on her door seemed to come sooner than the anticipated five minutes. She looked in her mirror again. Her eyes were red, her face was blotchy and she was feeling slightly drunk. She had downed a bottle of wine in twenty minutes. 'Hmm, impressive', she smirked to herself, then she took a deep breath and opened the door.

Harvey was resting on her door frame and jumped when she opened it. He smiled at her. "Hi" was all he said.

Damn that smile of his. She smiled back. "Are you coming in?" she asked.

He screwed his face up and winced, smelling the alcohol on her breath. "You been drinking?"

She rolled her eyes. "I might have had a couple" … *hicc*. 'Damn it'.

She covered her mouth and he laughed. "Great way to break the ice," he said with a sarcastic wink.

Harvey came inside her apartment and took off his jacket. They sat together on the sofa and Donna was instantly reminded of that night a few months back. The 'I love you' night. They sat in silence for a while, just watching each other and waiting. Neither of them knew what to say. It would usually be her who did all of the talking, but she was glad when he spoke first.

"Donna, I'm so sorry I've upset you … I think … well I'm guessing this is down to me. I don't know what … I'm … I just wanted to make sure you're ok."

This wasn't his fault. It was her fault. "Harvey, you've done nothing wrong," she said apologetically.

He did a double check and raised his eyebrows. "I haven't?" he asked suspiciously, "you mean that?" His expression told her he was trying to work out if she was telling the truth or if this was one of those 'women's emotional' things he never understood.

She sighed. "Harvey I know you've been running away from the possibility of us doing what we've just done for some time. I thought it was you who was afraid and I thought I would be fine. I just feel overwhelmed right now". She felt tears welling up in her eyes again, "and I feel scared."

"Donna, I won't ever do anything to hurt you. You don't have to feel scared. What do you think I'm going to do? Why do you …"

"I don't know, Harvey," she interrupted. "I expect maybe I'll turn up to work tomorrow, you'll ask me to arrange a meeting or rearrange your diary and that will be it. We'll spend the next ten years trying not to touch each other and convincing ourselves that the Second Time was a mistake too."

She watched him lean forward, fidgeting with his cufflinks. He was frowning again, as if he was trying hard to process how she was feeling and what she had said. "I understand why you're scared. I promise that's not going to happen this time, Donna. Goddamn it, the thought of me hurting you in some way? I would never … never do that."

"I don't think you'd intentionally hurt me Harvey, but you know …?"

"Yeah, I know," he said with indignation. "This is what I do. Donna, I know my strengths lie outside of romantic relationships. You've told me how bad I am with women often enough, but I'm different now. I've had some help." He looked down at his cufflinks again avoiding eye contact, "I've been seeing a therapist and she's worked through some stuff with me. It's made me realise how I feel about you."

Finally he had told her. Of course she had known for weeks that Harvey had been seeing a therapist because Louis had recorded him talking about it on his dictaphone. She had been furious with Louis when she discovered how he planned to use his weakness against him. Louis was a good friend, but boy did he pull some underhand stunts sometimes.

"I know about your therapist, Harvey," she admitted.

"You do?" Harvey's mind raced, "Louis …?" he questioned her already knowing the answer. "I suppose you know about the panic attacks too?"

"Well … yes, I am Donna …"

"Donna, don't pull your Donna shit with me now. How long have you known?"

"Not long," she lied, realising he was embarrassed about the panic attacks and he was getting angry. "But Harvey, it's ok, I know they started when I left you. I'm sorry, I wouldn't have … "

"Donna, my panic attacks had absolutely nothing to do with you leaving me for Louis. Nothing. So please get that out of you head right now." He was standing over her now, his face red with shame and his eyes steely with anger. And he was lying.

"Harvey, I know they started when I left, you said … "

"I said? No, I didn't say? What are you talking about, Donna. Confess the hell up now!"

Donna sighed realising she was going to have to tell him. "Louis recorded the conversation he had with you after the stuff with Esther. He was going to use your panic attacks against you with Soloff and the board, but I stopped him."

Harvey froze. She could see the veins of his neck pulsating and he was clenching his fists. 'when will I ever learn to keep my stupid mouth shut' she thought to herself.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he yelled at her.

"There was no need. I stopped him."

"But you listened to my private conversation?"

"I always listen to your private conversations," she reminded him.

"Donna this is different to listening through my goddamn intercom!" he yelled at her.

"I didn't mean to listen. It was on his dictaphone and I was typing up his notes from it. Why are you interrogating me?"

"Donna … come on," he said, raising his eyebrow in the way which told her he didn't want to hear any more excuses.

"Harvey, I'm sorry. It's done. God, don't thank me for stopping him using it against you whatever you do."

He curled his lip and shook his head. "Thank you? I could strangle you right now. If Louis pulls one more stunt like this and you don't tell me about it, I swear we're through!"

He picked up his jacket and swung open her apartment door. "I need to clear my head. I need to go, I'm sorry. We can talk about the other stuff tomorrow."

"Fine Harvey, we'll talk about it tomorrow. I'm sure you'll clear your entire day for me."

He looked back at her and opened his mouth ready to say something, but he stopped. She watched in disbelief as he walked out on her, slamming the door behind him.


	3. Chapter 3 - Sick Day

WHERE YOU BELONG

CHAPTER THREE

When Harvey Specter arrived at work the morning after the 'Second Time', he knew he would have to push what had happened between him and Donna to the side for the sake of Mike and the mess they were all in. 'Why did this have to happen now?' he thought to himself, realising that if he'd gotten his shit together sooner he would have had years to try to have a relationship with Donna and he wouldn't be going through it all now. It was just like him to choose the most god awful time he could to act on his feelings. He decided they had no choice but to put off confronting what they'd done until Mike's trial was over.

The clock said 8.44 am when he entered the Pearson Specter Litt offices. It was earlier than he usually arrived at work, but much later than he wanted to arrive given the amount of work he knew he had to get through. He hadn't expected much sleep last night, but he had eventually nodded off around 4.00 am and slept through until 7.30 am. He cursed himself for forgetting to set his alarm.

As he strolled towards his office his stomach lurched. 'What the hell am I going to say to her?' he thought. He was still livid that Louis had recorded their conversation about his panic attacks, and he was angry with her for not telling him. Why did she always have to protect Louis? But the more he thought about it, the more he realised she'd done whatever she could to fix things and prevent him from discovering she knew about his personal problems. He would have to cut her some slack.

As he reached his office he saw Donna wasn't at her desk. He closed his eyes and his heart sank as he realised she'd probably be in his office waiting for him. She'd demand he talk about his feelings and he really wasn't in the mood. He couldn't deal with one of her full-on 'analysing Harvey's emotions' sessions.

No, she wasn't in his office either.

He sat down at his desk. He saw all the papers still strewn on his coffee table, some of them on the floor, and last night resurfaced in his memory. For a brief moment he allowed himself to remember the intensity of his encounter with Donna. He felt desire ripple through his body and sink into his bones as he recalled the ferociousness of their love-making: how she had wrapped her legs around him in the corner of his office and how she had tasted when he kissed her.

'Shit please don't ever let me forget' he thought, but he forced the images out of his mind for now and concentrated on the paperwork once again. At least when Donna did appear he'd be able to tell her he was too busy to talk, then he'd prolong the emotional stuff for as long as possible.

An hour passed and still no sign of Donna. He fought his concern for her and instead he started to get a bit angry. This wasn't the time for her to be trying to make a point with him.

After two hours had passed he picked up his phone and buzzed Rachel.

"Yes, Harvey?" said Mike's fiancée and Donna's best friend.

"Do you know where Donna is?"

"Er, no. I haven't seen her this morning," said Rachel. "Wait, you don't think … ?"

"What?" Harvey said worried for a moment that Rachel might know what had happened between them last night.

"Well, you don't think she's been picked up by Anita Gibbs again do you?"

Anger coursed through Harvey's veins at the mention of the woman who was making all of their lives hell at the moment. "I'll check it out," he said. He cursed himself for waiting two hours before he tried to find her.

But first he called her cell phone.

And sighed in relief when she answered.

"Donna, where the hell are you?" he said.

"Look, Harvey, I'm not coming in today. I've still got a headache and I need … well I need some space."

"Donna, this is not the time for this!" She was making a point with him after all, goddamn her. He hated it when women pulled this crap with him. "We have a tonne of shit to get through here. We need all hands ..."

"Well, Harvey, maybe you should have thought about that," she interrupted. "Believe me I wouldn't be any help to anybody right now."

"Donna, please," he said. He needed her in the office. They all needed her. How would he cover her absence?

"Harvey, just leave me alone," she said and she ended the call.

Presently Mike entered Harvey's office, his face full of concern. "Harvey, I don't think Donna's been taken into custody again, I rang … "

"She hasn't," said Harvey. He couldn't hide the frustration in his voice. He poured himself a scotch and slumped into his armchair. This was all his fault.

"Then, where is she?" asked Mike. He looked worried and Harvey could tell his friend's annoyingly brilliant mind was 'processing' possible reasons for Donna not turning up for work and that they'd all be to do with him.

"She's at home and she's not very well," he said matter-of-factly. "So, we'll have to get on without her. Where are we at right now?"

Mike wasn't buying it. "What's wrong with her?"

"Mike. Drop it," he almost yelled. He saw Mike's face change, his expression full of realisation that this was a 'Harvey and Donna' thing which meant it was none of his business.

"Well, right now, Jessica wants to see us all in the conference room," he said, leaving the other matter alone.

"Fine, I'll be there in five," he said and he poured himself another glass of scotch.

When he arrived in the conference room, Jessica was already holding everybody's attention making sure they all knew what their tasks were over the next few days. "And Louis, we need you in Boston doing whatever it takes to get Sheila Sazs on a plane to Argentina." She glanced up at Harvey, nodding at him as he took a seat next to Rachel. "Glad you could join us," she said sarcastically, "now, where the hell is Donna?" she demanded.

All eyes fell to Harvey and he heard Mike gulp nervously. "She's called in sick," he reported sheepishly.

Louis looked concerned. "What's the matter with her?" he asked.

"She's just got a migraine or something, Louis, nothing serious." He still hadn't forgiven Louis for recording his private conversation. He made a mental note to pull him on his shitty behaviour later on.

"A migraine?" asked Jessica. Harvey could tell she wasn't falling for it. "What's her number?"

"What? What do you need her number for?" he asked.

"I need it so I can ring her and tell her to get her ass in here," snapped Jessica narrowing her eyes. She was rapidly losing patience. "Louis, give me your phone!"

Louis looked at Harvey as if to say 'I have to give her it'. Harvey shook his head and sighed.

"Louis! Your phone, now!"

Louis obliged and Jessica took his cell phone from him, scrolled through the contact list and found Donna's number. She then dialled from the landline in the conference room. The speaker was on of course and they all soon heard the sound of Donna's phone ringing out. Mike and Rachel looked at each other uncomfortably. Louis looked down, fiddling with the phone Jessica had just returned to him. Jessica stood regal and commanding. Harvey could see she was pissed off.

"Hello?" Donna's soft voice broke the awkward silence.

"Donna, its Jessica. We need you here, in the office, at your desk and we need you here right now, is that clear?" The managing partner spoke in her usual formidable style, "so, I suggest you get yourself some over-the-counter pain meds and sort yourself out very quickly. Unless you're unable to walk, then we expect you here in half an hour. The team needs you and this isn't the time for anyone to try to pull a sick day."

There was an agonising silence. "Donna?" barked Jessica impatiently.

"I'll be right in," came the answer everyone was hoping for.

"Good," was all Jessica said as she ended the call with a look that told Harvey that she knew something had happened between them and she'd be placing the blame squarely on his shoulders. "Right," Jessica continued, "we all know what we're doing. Mike and Rachel try and find some dirt on Anita Gibbs. There must be something we can use against her and I don't care what the hell it is, we're going after her with all our guns blazing. Louis you're off to Boston, please do everything you can. We have the discovery paperwork from court so Donna can deal with that when she finally manages to get herself in here. Off we go, let's do it."

They all rose from their seats on Jessica's orders and left the conference room. Harvey stood to follow, wondering why his presence had been necessary in the first place.

"Harvey, a second?" asked Jessica, stopping Harvey dead in his tracks. Mike shot him a 'watch yourself' glance back through the glass wall of the conference room.

Harvey turned around to face his partner ready to accept the inevitable scolding.

"Harvey, I don't know what this shit is about with you and Donna and I don't want to know, but for crying out loud think about the fucking consequences of your actions for once in your sorry, mixed-up life will you? There's more at stake here than whatever personal crap you've gotten yourself into with your damned secretary again. If this is down to you, sort it out!"

Harvey took the telling off. He knew this was down to him. "I'll fix it," he said assuredly.

"Good. Make sure you do," said Jessica. "And Harvey? You look like hell. Watch the scotch before lunch time."

Harvey smirked at her knowing she was trying to lighten the mood. "Yes, mom," he said sarcastically.

"Get out of here you idiot," she shot back.

Back in his office he sat down again with his paperwork. He looked at the bottle of scotch on his desk and put it away quickly. Jessica was right. Drinking scotch before noon was a slippery slope.

Harvey expected that a storm in the shape of the firm's gregarious redhead would be blowing into his office at any moment, so he was taken aback when the grey clouds swept in, but it was his tenacious ex-girlfriend, Scottie, who was bringing all the rain.

Scottie was furious with Harvey and he couldn't believe his bad luck – and his unfathomable choice in women. Apparently Mike had visited her asking for his help. Scottie hated Mike and blamed him for destroying her relationship with Harvey. He assured her he had known nothing about it and that he hadn't sent Mike to her.

Harvey and Scottie had a turbulent relationship which swung from anguish to ecstasy faster than he could keep up, but he respected and admired his former college adversary more than any other lawyer in New York City, with the exception of Jessica. Scottie was strong, sharp, confident and unbelievably beautiful. He knew now, after his therapy sessions, that he hadn't been emotionally ready for a serious relationship with Scottie two years ago, but he couldn't quite put his finger on why he was able to move on from their break-up so easily. Two years ago he'd thought he was in love with her, but when the relationship ended he felt indifference, so he couldn't have been in love with her. Maybe it was because he wasn't ready. Or maybe it was because he didn't love her as much as she loved him.

He compared Scottie to Donna often, wondering how such different women had managed to capture his heart. He knew that Scottie loved him, but Donna? He strangely wasn't as sure of Donna's feelings about him. Despite the intensity of the 'Second Time' and the strength of their friendship over the years, he couldn't work Donna out. He thought it was because he'd tried so hard not to see her 'in that way', whereas with Scottie, he'd only ever thought of her romantically. He wondered what he would do if Scottie asked him for another shot at a relationship. Would he choose her over Donna right now? Which woman would be better for him? They were both as complicated as hell, but Scottie was smart, brilliant and successful just like he was and there was a connection in their similarities. He and Scottie were two peas in a pod, whilst Donna wasn't anything like him. Donna didn't share his and Scottie's ambition or drive.

But, then Donna was 'Donna'. She was hilarious and she made him laugh. Everybody loved Donna. Scottie lacked Donna's emotional intelligence. She didn't understand him half as well as Donna did and she was unable to accept his failings. She demanded he be the person she wanted, whereas Donna accepted him just the way he was. Hell, nobody had ever accepted him as much as Donna did. Donna had the bigger heart with more room in it for him and all of his short-comings. Scottie was selfish whereas Donna was selfless. Scottie wasn't anywhere near as 'Donna' as Donna, and with that realisation he had found the answer to his question.

Harvey's argument with Scottie about Mike ended with him taking all of the blame for their relationship ending and he confessed that he was now in therapy. He talked. She listened. It was good to put things right with her, but he wished throughout the conversation that he was talking with Donna instead. When the exchange ended, he didn't know why, but he asked Scottie if he could give her a call when the trial was over. She looked pleased and he felt happy.

But then she walked out of his office and he could see Donna was back at her desk. The look on her face told him she had overheard their conversation.

He had screwed up yet again.


	4. Chapter 4 - Set Me Free

WHERE WE BELONG

CHAPTER FOUR

Donna Paulsen watched Dana Scott leave Harvey's office with a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach after what she'd just heard. She hated herself for feeling that way. Scottie caught her glance on her way out the door and Donna looked away, not wanting any dialogue with Harvey's one-time lover. Scottie saw her discomfort – or rather her displeasure – and she spun around on her heel and looked Donna in the eye. Donna immediately bristled, but held her head high.

"Hi Donna," said Scottie, "can you do me a favour and ring down for a cab for me please. That's if you're not too busy doing typing or something."

Donna put on one of her 'you don't matter to me' smiles. "Of course Scottie," she said, "I wouldn't want you to have to put yourself out and hail your own."

The petite brunette frowned at her failure to get a rise from her ex-lover's ally. "Thank you, Donna," she pouted, "I'll see you around," she called as she swaggered down the hallway.

Harvey strolled out of his office and came over to Donna's desk.

"Harvey, whatever it is I'm really busy right now," she protested not wanting to get into what she'd just overheard. "Jessica has given me a lot to get through and I need to concentrate."

"How's your head?" he asked knowingly.

"It's fine, thank you. Now if there's nothing else, I need to get on."

"Nothing else from me, what about you? Anything you want to ask me?" He seemed to be teasing her for a reaction and she didn't like it.

"What would I need to ask you?" she spat.

"Oh, well I thought you might be wondering why Scottie was here … maybe," he said, desperate to find out if she'd actually overheard what his gut told him she'd overheard, but Donna didn't get it. Was he teasing her? Was he gloating? Why would he do either of these things?

"Are you serious Harvey?" she said shuffling a ream of new printer paper in her hands. She got up from her seat, but as she passed him en route to the printer she stopped, turned around, walked up to him looking him straight in the eye and lowered her voice to an intimidating whisper. "Let me get this straight Harvey, and I'll say it as clear as I can in the hope that it sinks in. I don't give a … shit who you have in your office." She kept her eyes locked onto his, unsettling him until he broke her glare. "And I don't give a shit what you do with them while you're in there. Why would I?"

He was speechless and just stared at her wondering how on earth he was going to fulfil Jessica's demand that he 'fix' things now.

Donna shook her head at him in disgust and turned back to the printer, but her flounce-off failed dramatically when she caught the heal of her shoe in the strap of her handbag which she hadn't placed as tidily under her desk as she usually did. She hit the floor under a pile of paper, landing spectacularly on her bottom.

Harvey instinctively jumped forward and offered his hand to pull her back to her feet.

"Don't touch me!" she yelled furiously at him. She was hurt, humiliated and angry, but everyone was shocked at how hostilely she'd shouted at him and they were staring at her, wondering what on earth Harvey had done this time. Rachel and Mike ducked out of Mike's office to see what all the commotion was about.

Harvey held his hands in the air as Donna got to her feet on her own, rearranging her limbs in as elegant a manner as possible – which wasn't at all easy. She straightened her dress, flicked her hair then, holding her head high said, "don't you EVER touch me again," before marching off to the ladies restroom for refuge.

"Go after her," whispered Mike to Rachel, but his fiancée didn't need to be told. She was already on her way.

By the time Rachel reached the ladies' toilets Donna was already there, bent over a sink sobbing her heart out. Rachel had never seen her friend so upset and she instinctively ran to her and wrapped her arms around her.

Donna allowed Rachel to hold her for a few minutes, her body heaving with each heart-wrenching sob. "Donna, please tell me what's wrong," said Rachel brushing damp tendrils of Donna's red hair off her face and offering her a tissue. She was very worried and she hoped Donna's distress had nothing to do with Mike's case. She couldn't take any more of her fiancée's troubles hurting other people.

Donna's tears started to subside as Rachel held her, stroking her friend's arms tenderly. "Is it Harvey?" Rachel asked. Donna nodded and started to cry again. "It's ok Donna, whatever it is I'm sure it'll be ok."

"No it … won't … it can't," sobbed Donna, "you can't ever go … back, remember?"

"You can't ever go back? Donna?" asked Rachel, her mind racing as she grasped what Donna was telling her, "does this mean what I think it means or are you talking about what happened that time years ago?"

Donna sniffed into the tissue. She realised what she'd just said and tried to cover it. "No, not about the first time. I just … I thought it wouldn't be like this when I came back to work for him, but I can't go back. I can't go back now."

Rachel raised one eyebrow. She didn't want to press Donna given the state she was in, but she wouldn't be able to comfort her properly unless she knew what had happened. "Donna, have you and Harvey done something … erm … recently?"

Donna's face froze briefly before breaking into sobs again. "Yes," she cried, "yes, and I don't know what to do."

Rachel put her arms around her friend again. "Sshhh," she said soothingly, "it'll be ok. Harvey loves you, I'm sure. Maybe he's ready now." Rachel was trying to find the right words but only half believed what she was saying. She liked Harvey, but she didn't know if he was ever going to be ready for a relationship and her heart broke for Donna.

"He doesn't love me, Rachel," Donna sniffled before blowing her nose into the tissue again, "he says he loves me, but he doesn't. He's like a teenager. He doesn't have a clue."

"He told you he loved you?" smiled Rachel sweetly. "That's good. Of course he loves you, Donna, he really does. Everyone can see that."

"Yeah sure, he loves me as a friend, or a sister, or as his loyal secretary."

"He loves you more than that, Donna. He did … you know … with you, didn't he?" asked Rachel carefully, she realised that the 'you know' was what Donna seemed to be most upset about.

"Please. His criteria for the 'you know' is any woman with a heartbeart," she said sarcastically, "that doesn't mean he has feeling for me."

"Wait a minute, has all of this only just happened, Donna?" asked Rachel. "Is this why you didn't come to work this morning?"

Donna nodded.

"Well you have to give these things time. You know what Harvey is like more than anyone. You have to give Harvey a LOT of time," said Rachel gritting her teeth, then smiling. She was doing all she could to lighten the mood.

"I don't have to give it any time at all Rachel," said Donna flippantly, "I've just heard him asking Scottie out."

"He did what?" asked Rachel in disbelief. "He did that just now? And you only 'you know-ed' when?"

"Last night," admitted Donna sheepishly, "after he told me he loved me."

Rachel gulped, taking in what Donna was telling him. "Wow, what a dick," she said finally. "Donna, I'm sorry, I don't know what to say."

Donna bent over the sink and splashed water on her face. "You can tell me I'm an idiot. I know I'm an idiot. I keep hoping … well, I'm sick of hoping he'll catch up with the rest of humanity and learn how to behave," she said before taking a big sigh and rubbing at her blotchy eyes. "I can't go back to my desk looking like this. Could you get me my bag please?"

"Of course, I'll be right back," said Rachel giving Donna a huge hug before leaving.

Rachel passed Mike's office on her way to get the bag and nipped in to tell him she was still with Donna. "Is she alright?" he asked with genuine concern. Rachel shook her head. "No, she isn't," she sighed. Mike gestured his head in the direction of Harvey's office, "him?" he asked. "Yup" she replied.

Half an hour later, Donna returns to her desk and gets on with the workload Jessica gave her. She had taken more paracetamol as a brand new headache reared its ugly head and threatened to make the rest of the day unbearable. God, she was fed up of crying. As she worked she did everything she could not to look at him, although she could feel his eyes watching her throughout the afternoon. She was relieved at 5.00 pm when he left for a meeting with a client. Rachel messaged her a few times, checking she was ok. If only they weren't going through this nightmare with Mike's trial. They'd have both had a great night out and she'd help her drown her sorrows.

At 6.30 pm, Harvey hadn't returned to his office and Donna figured she'd done enough for the day so she packed up, powered down her console and got her things.

Luck hadn't been on her side all day so she wasn't surprised when she ran into Harvey at the elevators. He looked about as uncomfortable as she felt. Her instinct was to scurry past him with her head down but she was tired of allowing him to walk all over her. She was Donna for fuck's sake and that meant she was going to get some control back in her life, so instead of scurrying she walked straight up to him, "conference room, now," she commanded and he followed her. He didn't dare protest.

Once inside the room, Donna turned and fixed him with her insightful brown eyes. "Harvey, I've been thinking about what I'd say to you most of the day and, in a nutshell, it's this … I don't know if we can go back to how things were before. Not now. I don't know if I feel this way due to yesterday. I don't know if this is still about what you said to me in my apartment just before I went to work for Louis. All I know is that I found myself drawn back into your life thinking we could go back and we can't. I can't. I don't want this and there's going to come a time soon when I'm going to need you to set me free."

Harvey looked like he'd been punched in the face and he took a deep breath before speaking. "Set you free? What do you mean?" he asked, his voice shaking nervously.

Donna could feel her eyes watering again and she fought to control her emotions. "I mean I deserve better than this, Harvey. I need to have a life of my own and to get that … ? Well, I'm going to have to get away from you."

"Donna…" Harvey begged, "please. I love you. I need you. You can't … mean ... "

Donna moved closer to him and lowered her voice to a whisper. She was teary again, but she didn't mind. She was always going to lose that battle. "Harvey, I know you love me, but you don't love me in a way that is healthy for me. What happened last night, what happened this afternoon, well, it's all really, really bad for me and … and I can't do it anymore." She was crying freely now and she did something she never did. She touched his arm. It was a gesture which told him she was being serious. "I'll stay here and work as usual until Mike's trial is over, but after that I need to go."

"Back to Louis?" Harvey asked resigned to the fact that even though she had come back to him before – when Mike was arrested – she wouldn't do it twice.

"I don't know Harvey," she said, shaking her head. "I've had enough of my life here. I've had enough of this office, I've had enough of this city and I've had enough of this world which you occupy and I exist to please you. You have everything you want and I have nothing. That's the way it's always been and I'm tired of it, Harvey. I'm just really tired."

Harvey's dark eyes dampened as he looked at her knowing he'd blown it. "I don't have everything I want because I want you. Look at yesterday. Does that not tell you that I want to be with you? What do you want me to do?" he asked her. "Donna, please, I need you. I can't do this without you. Tell me what I can do to fix this. I'll do anything to make you happy?"

"Then set me free, Harvey," she said. "That would make me happy."


	5. Chapter 5 - Therapy

WHERE YOU BELONG

CHAPTER FIVE

Harvey watched her leave. Her final words held fast in his mind.

"Then set me free, Harvey. That would make me happy."

Harvey felt his heart start to race, pumping his blood fast around his body. He started to sweat, but he somehow managed to compose himself, refusing to give in to the panic that was threatening to engulf him. He impulsively got in an elevator to try to catch up with her, but by the time he reached the building's lobby she was nowhere to be seen. He called for Ray. He would go to her apartment.

After five minutes in the car, Harvey thought he had unwound but something at the back of his mind told him that if he went to her now he would likely screw things up even more, so he sent Ray to an address he had become very familiar with over the past few months instead.

By the time he arrived at Dr. Paula Agard's home, he was sweating and feeling nauseous. Harvey hated this feeling because he knew it pre-empted a panic attack and, although he'd been having fewer and fewer of them recently, he'd always feared they weren't gone for good. He got out of the car and stumbled against Dr. Agard's gate. He had fought it all the way from the office and now it had defeated him. He felt faint, his vision was blurred and he couldn't breathe. It felt like a huge weight was knotted around his chest and his heart was beating faster and faster in a bid to end his suffocation. He felt desperate and he felt scared.

Harvey managed to make it to Dr. Agard's front door. It wasn't the first time Paula Agard had been disturbed in the early evening by him, but this time she didn't open her door to a cocky man trying to charm her for an impromptu apartment. This time she opened her door to a man in pain and distress.

"Oh my god, Harvey," said Dr. Agard, "come inside quickly." She tried her best given her small frame to hold him steady, but he managed to stumble inside by himself and collapse, gasping for air, on her sofa. "Harvey, I think I should call 911," said Dr. Agard.

"No," yelled Harvey breathlessly. "Just a drink of water, please. It'll pass."

Dr. Agard brought Harvey a glass of water and she sat next to him patiently, her hand on his arm for support. Harvey sat forward with his head in his hands and he waited for the attack to subside.

As his breathing slowed, Dr. Agard started conversation. "Harvey, I haven't seen you for weeks, what on earth has happened."

"It's Mike," said Harvey, "he's facing trial for fraud and I've been building his defence case. We've all been busy." In truth, although he had been preoccupied with Mike's problems, he also hoped his panic attacks had disappeared and he wouldn't have to return for therapy. 'I should have known better', he thought to himself.

"I see," said Dr. Agard. "But I doubt that is why you've had another panic attack. Your problem isn't coping with stressful work situations, your problem is coping with your emotions."

"Yes, I know that," said Harvey wearily as he unbuttoned the neck of his shirt and loosened his tie. He still felt queasy, but at least his heart rate had calmed down. That was the part of having panic attacks which he hated the most. He couldn't bear the tight, heavy aching in his chest. He imagined that it was how being strangled to death felt.

"Do you want to talk through the past few days, Harvey?" asked Dr. Agard gently. She had learned how to talk to Harvey Specter over the past several months. Few clients had forced her to adapt her style of counselling as much as he had, but she liked that about him

Harvey looked to the floor and frowned. His stomach sank as he realised he would have to talk about his feelings and what had happened with Donna the day before. He wanted to go back home to his condo, get a drink, go to sleep, wake up with a woman … any woman … just return his life to the way things had always been. He wanted to feel like himself again. He closed his eyes and braced himself for what he was about to open himself up to. His instincts where to run, but he knew that Dr. Agard had been right every time she had told him his panic attacks wouldn't stop until he confronted his feelings head on.

"I don't know where to start," he admitted, trying to remember how they'd left things last time.

"We can start with how you're feeling at the moment," she said.

'Easy' thought Harvey and he reeled off a list of adjectives describing his current mood. "Confused. Frustrated. Angry. Hopeless. Desperate."

Dr. Agard smiled at his matter-of-fact descriptors. "Good start," she said as she moved from sitting beside him to her usual seat opposite. "Now, when did this all start?"

"Yesterday," he said ardently, "yesterday evening."

"Ok, and what happened yesterday evening, Harvey?" asked Dr. Agard.

Harvey stiffened his posture sending Dr. Agard a message via his body language that he didn't relish having to talk about whatever it was.

"Harvey, you know how this works," said Dr. Agard patiently. She knew how difficult this was for him and she empathised. "Talking about your emotions is the only way to deal with them. What happened yesterday evening?"

He took a deep breath and said the words. "I had sex with Donna."

Dr. Agard looked surprised, "I see," she said, "and now? Do you regret having sex with her?"

"I don't know," he said truthfully. "I don't ever regret the sex," he smirked. Dr. Agard rolled her eyes, but knew it was just like him to crack a joke when he felt uncomfortable. "But, I think I may regret going down this road. I finally managed to tell her how I felt about her. I told her how much she meant to me and how much I needed her. I told her I loved her … again. Now, I'm worried that I may have destroyed everything we had."

"You say, 'I regret going down this road' and 'I have destroyed everything', but this was Donna too. How does she feel?"

Harvey sighed realising he had no idea. "I don't know," he confessed. "Obviously she enjoyed the sex," he said with a wink. Dr. Agard shook her head at him in a way which told him that this was serious and it was no time for his usual bravado. "But afterwards she was upset. She cried and she ran home. I felt like shit, but I went round to her apartment because I knew we needed to talk about it," he looked at Dr. Agard for approval. "See, I am learning," he said.

Dr. Agard smiled at him and nodded as if she were an elementary teacher proud of a struggling pupil who had just scored a top grade on a test. "And then what happened?" she asked.

"She said she felt overwhelmed and she needed time to think. Then we got into a stupid argument over Louis Litt."

"An argument? How did you leave it?"

"I stormed out. I was angry with her. We needed to talk and I wanted to talk with her about what she wanted …" his brain clicked as he realised she still hadn't told him how she felt about him, "… but, well, I found out she'd kept something Louis had done from me and … god, I hate it when people keep things from me."

"What was it?" asked Dr. Agard.

"It was about me coming here and about my panic attacks. I told Louis about it as a way of apologising and explaining something to him, but the nasty little weasel-y shit recorded me and was going to use it against me. He wanted to humiliate me in front of the entire firm. Donna stopped him, but not just for me. She knew I'd beat the goddamn crap out of him if he went ahead with his plan so she was protecting him too."

Dr. Agard thought for a moment. "But she did stop him and she did that because she cares about you, Harvey. Why does it matter that she protected Louis too? Can she not protect and care about both of you?"

Harvey looked at her and felt bad. She was right. "I know that now. It's just like her to want to shelter him, but … last night I was too angry. Honestly, me and Louis! He's a constant pain in the ass and it's just one thing after another with him. I know she didn't tell me because she wanted to protect me, but I don't need protecting. Not from goddamn Louis! I'm a big boy and I can fight my own battles. I don't need Donna to fight them for me. I'm not weak. See this is what I hate about all of this. I'm Harvey Specter and Harvey Specter never did weakness before."

"Harvey Specter is stronger now than he's ever been. You're not weak because you care, Harvey. We've been through this. You care about Donna and she cares about you. That makes you strong," she said.

Harvey frowned at one of Dr. Agard's most used soundbites. 'Caring makes you strong'. He still didn't see it because caring about people was how his life had gotten in such a state.

"What happened next?" asked Dr. Agard.

"I went home feeling like my whole life had gone to shit and I had to shut off from it. We need to concentrate on the trial for everybody's sake and I can't do that if I'm dealing with this. That's what I would have told her this morning, but she didn't show up for work. The timing of this thing … that's what I find so goddamn frustrating. If we weren't going through this stuff with Mike, it would all be fixed by now. We need to stick together for Mike's sake and Jessica was furious with Donna for not coming to work so she rang her up and ordered her in. Then Scottie turned up."

"Scottie? Your ex-girlfriend?" asked Dr. Agard. Harvey nodded. "Was that a surprise? Were you pleased to see Scottie?"

Harvey smiled as he remembered how he always felt a surge of almost nostalgic desire whenever he bumped into Scottie. "Yes, I was pleased to see her," he confessed. "We talked and I told her about my therapy. I admitted we broke up because of me … because I wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship. I told her I was getting help and it felt good to tell her that. Then I asked her if I could give her a call when all of this stuff with Mike was over. What I didn't realise was that Donna was back at her desk and she'd overheard us."

Dr. Agard sighed. This was the last thing her client needed after how far he'd come over the last few months.

"What are you thinking?" asked Harvey.

"I'm thinking you've gotten yourself into a right mess," she replied honestly. "Tell me truthfully. If it came down to it, would you like to rekindle a romantic relationship with Scottie, or would you prefer to try to start a new one with Donna?"

Harvey sat back on the sofa and thought about it for a short time. It was the same question he'd asked himself that afternoon and his answer was still the same. "I'd choose Donna," he said confidently, yet still somewhat self-consciously. He was embarrassed to admit the strength of his feelings for Donna out loud as it left himself wide-open to the possibility of rejection – a rejection which looked like it had already happened.

"So why did you ask Scottie out?"

"I didn't technically ask her out, I said would it be ok if I gave her a call after the trial."

"Same thing," said Dr. Agard.

Harvey's brow crumpled to a frown, "No it isn't!" he said raising his voice, "how the hell is that the same?"

"I suspect it would have sounded the same to Donna."

"Well if it did, she's wrong!" snapped Harvey. "It was just something I said. Just out of habit. That's what I say to women."

"Put yourself in Donna's position, Harvey," said Dr. Agard, "try and think about this from her point of view."

"I'm not doing role play with you!" he snapped, "I told you before. Role play is stupid."

"We don't have to do role play, Harvey, you just have to think of this from Donna's point of view instead of your own. You can't disregard other people's feelings just because they're inconvenient or because you don't agree with them. Here, let me help you. I'll tell you what I think Donna may be feeling right now and it's only my opinion, so I may be wrong, but I'm a woman and you're not, so I think it might help you to see things from somebody else's standpoint."

Harvey shrugged, "ok then," he said.

"Ok, well we'll start by exploring who Donna is. She's a woman who has spent the best part of her life putting somebody else's needs ahead of her own. Caring for that person, building him up, fighting for him, protecting him and, yes, she did get a lot from that relationship too, it wasn't one-sided, but she has depended on you for a long time … and you have depended on her. Now, Harvey, I can't say how long Donna has wanted a romantic relationship with you. It may have been from the beginning or it may be recently. But, you were the one who told her you loved her. You started down this road first."

"Yes, and then she left me."

"Ah, but we've been through this Harvey. Why did Donna leave you?"

"Because I told her acting on my feelings – our feelings – would be a mistake?" he said.

"That's partly it, but wasn't it also because you backtracked and wouldn't own up to what you had said and why you had said it?"

Harvey nodded and blushed at the memory. Out of all the times in his life that he'd screwed up with women that was the dumbest thing he'd done and the memory of it made him want to punch himself in the face – repeatedly. 'If only'. If only he hadn't been so goddamn stupid and told her there and then that he did see her like 'that' and he did love her in 'that way'.

"I think that Donna was dealing with the fact that even though you told her you loved her, you weren't able to give her a relationship beyond the friendship you already had. She didn't leave you to be cruel, she moved on. So when you come to her again and you tell her you do love her after all that's going to be a huge thing for Donna. And I can promise you that a sexual encounter will have meant a lot to her. You both wanted to have sex last night, Harvey, and – by your own declaration – it was good ..."

"Correction, it was awesome actually," he interrupted. Dr. Agard shook her head again. 'When will this man grow up?' she thought.

"… so after this huge event which turns Donna's life upside down, she then comes into work the next day and overhears you asking out your ex-girlfriend. How do you think that made her feel?"

Harvey knew what he'd done, of course he did, but he refused to take responsibility. "I didn't know she was in earshot," he said trying to defend his actions.

"That doesn't matter, Harvey. Why would that matter?"

Harvey shrugged. "Well, because if I'd known Donna was there I wouldn't have said it to Scottie. It was just a throw-away comment. Donna should have known that. She knows what I'm like."

"You didn't mean to ask Scottie out?" asked Dr. Agard.

"Of course I didn't, what do you take me for?" he said angrily, "I'm not a complete bastard!"

"No, you're just a man playing with the affections of two women at the same time."

Harvey stood up ready to walk out. He knew where she was going with this and he would not take any more of her trying to compare him with his mother.

But, Dr. Agard was ready for him. This was what he'd done during most of their sessions together. "Ah, there you go again. Walking out of here as soon as I hit a nerve!"

"You haven't hit a nerve," he yelled, rounding on her furiously and fixing his dark eyes on hers. "But I'm not going to stand here while you tell me that this is all my fault. I did what you told me to do. I told Donna I loved her and I didn't run away and I didn't backtrack. I opened myself up completely and yes, I wanted to have sex with her … and I want to have sex with her again. I want to have sex with her every goddamn day for the rest of my life, but that's not going to happen now. Donna told me she wants me to 'set her free' whatever the hell that means. She's going to leave me, the firm, everything as soon as Mike's trial is over and you know what? That's down to you! You told me all my problems would be solved when I admitted my feelings and now there's no going back to the way things were. I've lost my friend and I've lost my chance to have something more with her. If I lose her I've lost everything."

"You haven't lost her yet, Harvey. She's still there and you need to go talk to her," said Dr. Agard ignoring the fact that he had just blamed her for his own mess.

"I'm done talking. I'm done with all of this. I'm losing control and I need to get back to the way things were – with or without Donna – I need to be Harvey Specter again." He turned and walked towards Dr. Agard's door.

Dr. Agard watched with sadness as he left her home, "can you be Harvey Specter without Donna?" she called after him.

Her words cut like a knife and stopped him dead in his tracks, but he kept on walking.


	6. Chapter 6 - Fifth Amendment

WHERE YOU BELONG

CHAPTER SIX

The last few days had been some of the strangest of Donna Paulsen's life, but Saturday morning had been the toughest as that was when she had received his text message.

Harvey:

"Hi Donna. I need to sort my head out and even though I know I'm in danger of destroying everything we have built up over the years when I say this, I have no choice. I am going to have to put what happened between us behind me. Everyone is relying on me to win this case and I can't do it with distractions. When this is all over we can talk. Harvey."

Donna wrote twenty different responses to that text but didn't send any of them. She spent the entire weekend mulling over whether there could be another layer of meaning under every sentence Harvey had written. What did 'put what happened between us behind me' mean? Was it conclusive? Was he telling her he wanted to pretend it hadn't happened just like they'd done all of those years ago? Or did he just genuinely mean he couldn't deal with what they'd done right now. Was he calling her a 'distraction'? Was he accusing her or blaming her? She knew she was probably overthinking it, but what else could she do?

By Sunday evening, the thought of returning to work the next day and facing him was making her feel nauseous. She called Rachel to see how things were and she had told her that Harvey and Mike hadn't stopped working on the case all weekend. They talked for a while and when the call ended, Donna started to feel bad that she had been thinking of herself and her stupid romantic entanglements more than she'd been thinking of Rachel and the team. She was ashamed that Harvey – he with the emotional attachment issues – had gotten a grip of the situation they were in far quicker than she had. Harvey was putting others first, whereas she was thinking of herself.

So, by Monday morning Donna had made a decision. She was going to follow Harvey's lead and bury all the emotional garbage for the sake of her friends, who were as close to her as family. On her way to work that morning she finally sent the text:

Donna:

"Hi Harvey. You're right. We need to concentrate on Mike's case. Donna x"

Donna arrived at the offices of Pearson Specter Litt at 7.30am on Monday morning, just as she had always done for the past thirteen years. She settled at her desk, had a quick breakfast in the kitchen, caught up on all the office gossip and organised Harvey's diary by 8.30am. At approximately 9.00am she brought him his coffee with a hint of vanilla noting he was the last of the partners to arrive at the office – just as usual. Then for the rest of the day she spent her time doing precisely what Harvey needed. That was her Monday and she did the same for the rest of the week. She did her job just as she always had and she found strange comfort from the normality of it all. It was like it had always been on the 50th floor except for two gigantic elephants in the room: Firstly, they were all fighting to stay out of jail and secondly, by making love to each other a few nights previous, they had likely damaged their decade-old friendship forever.

In the office, Donna had found it difficult to shut off at first. The memories of her late night love-making with Harvey resurfaced every time she looked at him or heard his voice. Over the week she eventually got used to all of those sensations, whether it be the butterflies fluttering in her stomach, the surge of raw desire charging around her body or even the aching doubt in her heart which told her he definitely couldn't love her 'like that'.

The day the trial started, Donna had faith that Harvey was going to destroy Anita Gibbs in the courtroom. The team, if called as witnesses for the prosecution, were all geared up to protect themselves and protect each other too.

Donna sat next to Jessica in court and she could feel the Managing Partner's confidence, drive and ruthless determination simmer as the drama unfolded. Mike's childhood friend Trevor was the first person the Prosecution called to the stand and it looked set to put the first nail in Mike's coffin. Donna kept looking at Jessica, hoping to see her mind ticking away with solutions to the problem that was Trevor, but she sat unwavering and unfazed by the testimony of the man who knew the absolute truth that Mike Ross was a fraud. Donna, on the other hand was worried sick that Trevor's testimony had sealed their fate, but when Harvey stood up and cross-examined him all of her anxiety was flushed away. Harvey destroyed the prosecution's key witness. Of course, Donna knew Harvey was an amazing lawyer, but what she saw in the courtroom that morning made her proud and it made her love him even more. How many more ways could she love him? She would never lose faith in this man. Not ever.

Silence filled the courtroom after Trevor's cross-examination and Donna braced herself for the next witness. She felt sure that Jessica wouldn't hesitate to lie to protect all of her team if they called her. However, she wondered if Gibbs would be clever enough to work out Louis was the softer target and start with him first. The thought of Louis up there instead of Jessica, made her far more worried, but when Gibbs said, "the prosecution calls Miss Donna Paulsen to the stand" the bottom fell out of her world all together. All she could think was 'shit, they've started with me! They think I'm the soft target'.

Donna caught Harvey's glance back to her and his nod told her 'you'll be ok'. But then Jessica turned to her and broke her regal silence. "If you lie, they'll never know", she said coolly and quietly. Donna's heart sank, her stomach churned and as she stood to walk to the stand her legs felt like they wouldn't be able to carry her all the way. This was really happening.

'Remember you're Donna, remember you're Donna, remember you're Donna,' she repeated to herself as she made the short, but excruciatingly nerve-wracking, walk from her seat to the stand. She managed to compose herself, but she was scared. Memories of the last time she was in a courtroom came flooding back to her. Months ago she had been charged with felony fraud herself and Harvey had fought tooth and nail to get the charges dropped. He had promised to keep her safe and he had promised he would never let her be scared like that again. 'Damn him, he's failed because I'm scared again,' she thought. She didn't trust Gibbs as far as she could throw her, but she trusted Harvey. He would not let her perjure herself and he would not let her hurt Mike's case.

Anita Gibbs' questions revolved around the firm's interviews she had organised five years ago for the job Mike filled. Harvey had told her to vet all the candidates and find her one who was 'another me'. She had noticed Mike's cleverness and dynamic personality the second she had met him and she liked him instantly. She answered Gibbs' questions about that day and managed to preserve her composure under immense pressure.

When the prosecutor ended that line of interrogation, she rounded on Donna and asked directly, "to the best of your knowledge, did Mike Ross attend Harvard University?" And then she crumbled. She looked in Harvey's direction, her brown eyes begging him for help, but he did nothing. "Don't look at him," ordered Gibbs, "answer the question."

Donna couldn't breathe and she couldn't think. She knew Mike hadn't gone to Harvard. Would they find out if she lied? Jessica said they would never know, but what if they did know? What was their next question going to be? When she had been charged with felony fraud she had been terrified out of her mind. She was terrified of going to prison again, so she did the only thing available to her. "I would like to assert my Fifth Amendment rights," she said, her voice broken with defeat.

And then she was free to go.

Mike's eyes were glossed with tears. Jessica looked stoic but concerned. Louis was visibly a mess. Rachel looked sad. And Harvey? Harvey was unreadable.

She didn't get up at first, she looked at Harvey and pleaded in her mind, 'why aren't you cross-examining me? You need to put this right for me!' Eventually she climbed down from the stand and Harvey caught her glance, but still did nothing. She felt like she'd been hit by a truck. She was devastated. She heard Harvey call his own witness as she ran out of the courtroom and she hoped whoever-it-was wouldn't fuck up and crumble to shit like she had just done.

She spent the rest of the day in the hallways outside the courtroom, resisting the urge to go back inside. She could hear Harvey's voice talking to the jury from the wooden benches outside, but she didn't go back in.

When the day's proceedings were finally over, they all took cars back to the office. Donna sat hand-in-hand with Rachel the whole time, their heads on each other's shoulder supporting one another. Mike looked worried and upset. Louis had taken a car with Jessica and she wondered what they were talking about. Harvey sat up front but didn't speak and his silence was hurting Donna far more than her own guilt.

When the elevator reached the 50th floor they all met up and Jessica ordered them to the conference room. Donna sat in silence as Harvey, Mike and Jessica re-hashed Trevor's testimony and their ex-associate Jimmy's last minute saving of the day. Jessica barked a few orders at Louis and Harvey and offered Mike some suggestions before leaving the room to get on with the job of saving her firm's newest disillusioned clients.

Jessica hadn't spoken to or even looked at her for the duration of their brief meeting. She knew she had disappointed Jessica and she felt a failure. Jessica would never have caved in a million years, but she was a lawyer who had spent hours and hours in court. Donna was just Donna. She had been told to lie and instead she'd crumpled into a blubbering mess. She realised everyone in the room was avoiding addressing what she'd done and she couldn't take it anymore. With tears pooling in her eyes, she turned to Mike and said, "I'm so sorry, Mike. I'm just so sorry."

Mike leapt to his feet and placed his hands on her arms. "There's no need for you to be sorry, Donna. It's ok. You did what you had to, nobody blames you."

"But … I'm so … I never ever let anybody get the better of me. I don't know what happened … I … can't believe I caved," she said. Her voice was full of remorse.

"Donna, its fine," said Mike sympathetically. "They won't be able to use the fact you took the Fifth against me. The jury can't use it to draw conclusions about the case. It's over now. Really, it'll be ok."

Donna nodded in agreement, wiping a tear from her cheek and inhaling a deep breath of air. She hated herself for failing everyone, but Mike was right – what's done was done and that part of her testimony would be disregarded.

"It made you look guilty, though," shot Louis. Donna looked at the man she considered her friend with hurt in her eyes and dread in her stomach. She knew what Louis was capable of when he was wound up and she could tell he had been agitated all day.

"What the Hell are you talking about, Louis?" yelled Harvey as he rose to his feet and rounded on the shorter man, fully prepared to flatten him if he dared to start with his usual bullshit behaviour.

"You know what I'm talking about," Louis yelled back. "This is all your fault. What happened to Donna in that courtroom today was YOUR fault. It isn't her fault! Her only fault is trusting you over and over again!"

'Oh shit, here we go' thought Donna. Both men were staring down the barrel of a gun at one another and she needed to diffuse the situation before they fired. She looked over to Mike and Rachel, pleading at them for help.

Mike noticed Donna's expression and took to his feet, "it isn't Harvey's fault Louis. I'm the one who did this. I'm the fraud."

Louis flapped his hand at Mike dismissingly. "I'm not talking about you, I'm talking about him!" he barked. "He knew exactly what he was doing and he didn't goddamn care! It's always the same. It's always down to him. He hired you. He put you in danger and he put us all in danger!"

"We're all guilty, Louis," said Harvey, his face red with rage. "You knew about Mike and you used it to get what you wanted so don't you dare stand there putting all the blame on me! I know what I did. Do you know what you did?"

"Yes I know what I did, but I didn't drag anybody else into this mess!" barked Louis, his face twisted with anger, "You brought Donna into it! It's your fault she had to go through that today. It's all on you!"

Donna couldn't take any more. "Louis, I'm not an idiot," she spat. "I knew about Mike from the beginning. I've had years to get myself out of this and I didn't. I don't need to be rescued by anybody, so don't blame Harvey."

Louis's eyes transformed into angry slits as he turned to look at her. "Why do you always protect him? Why do you let him do this to you over and over again? When are you going to learn?" His face was full of concern. "Harvey only cares about himself. He doesn't care about you!"

"YES I DO CARE ABOUT HER!" screamed Harvey.

"NO YOU DON'T!" shouted Louis. "If you did, you would have protected her. Why didn't you cross examine her?"

"What?" asked Harvey, "she pleaded the Fifth. Were you even in the courtroom?"

"Yeah, she did, but you had a chance to ask her more questions and you didn't. Why?"

Donna froze as the realisation hit her. At the time she found it strange that Harvey hadn't turned her testimony around to their advantage in the way he did with Trevor. Minutes earlier she'd watched him destroy Trevor and he had been brilliant. She looked at Mike and Rachel and saw the realisation in their faces too. Rachel knew about their romantic encounter last week. She hoped with everything she had that Rachel didn't blame that for this.

Harvey wasn't saying anything. He sat back down in a chair and looked to the floor. Louis towered over him and asked again. "Why didn't you cross-examine her?" he asked.

"Louis, just leave it," ordered Mike. "There was nothing Harvey could have done."

Louis laughed and puffed out his chest the way he always did when he knew he was onto something. "Yeah, he could. He could have done something. He could have done what he always does. He could have done what any lawyer would have done and that's to cross-examine her." He stood over Harvey and asked him yet again. "Why didn't you question her? Why? WHY?"

"Because she took the Fifth, Louis!" yelled Harvey.

"BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT! BULLSHIT!" roared Louis. "You didn't cross-examine her because you're in love with her."

The room fell silent. Rachel and Mike both looked uncomfortable. Donna wanted to crawl under the table and die.

"I love Donna the same as I love everyone else, Louis," said Harvey unconvincingly. "I'd have done the same if it had been Rachel or Jessica up there. I'd have fucking laid into you, however."

"Bullshit again!" yelled Louis, "you laid into Rachel in the mock trial yesterday without a second thought. You had a chance to rescue Donna's testimony today and you blew it. Why?"

Louis was like a dog with a bone and his refusal to give up was starting to really irritate Donna. "Jesus Christ, Louis, this is not what we need right now. Harvey's told you why he didn't cross-examine me. Just leave it, will you."

"But I don't believe him."

"I don't care what you believe," yelled Donna, "don't you dare start down this road. You're humiliating me and I'm starting to feel very uncomfortable."

And then something snapped in Louis. Her taking his side yet again tipped him over the edge. "Uncomfortable?" he sneered. "You're the one who slept with him Donna! Maybe you should have thought about that before you jumped into bed …"

*smack*

Louis's hand shot up to his sore face as Donna hit him. He expected Harvey would have been the one to punch him, not her. His face stung with the force of her slap and he felt more hurt than he'd ever felt in his life.

Donna hoped that would be an end to the matter but Harvey was now by her side with his fists clenched into balls. He stared at Louis in disgust then turned to Rachel. "How in the name of hell does he know? Is this down to you?"

Rachel looked shocked. "No," she gasped. "Why would I tell Louis that?"

"Louis, you better do some goddamn talking and you better do it now!" roared Harvey. "Of all the vindictive shitty things you've done in your miserable spiteful life, you'd bring this up now? For fuck's sake you really are a creepy piece of shit, aren't you? How the hell do you know we had sex the other night? Are you bugging my office or have you installed a surveillance camera?"

'Shit, shit, shit' thought Donna. She turned away from Louis and sat down with her head in her hands. She had told Louis a year ago about 'the Other Time'. Now Harvey had inadvertently revealed 'the Second Time'.

Louis stared at Harvey then looked at Donna. He watched Mike and Rachel bow their heads in embarrassment as he processed the information and put two and two together. "The other night … the other night?" he repeated. "Donna told me ages ago that you'd slept together once when you worked at the DA's office."

Harvey moved away from Louis, realising what he'd done.

"Donna, seriously?" said Louis in disgust. "Are you a goddamn fool? You'd do that again … with him? What the hell were you thinking?"

"It is none of your goddamn business, Louis," snarled Donna. "You've crossed the line now. I will never … never trust you again. I can't even look at you right now. Get the hell away from me! We're through!"

Louis looked at her then looked at Harvey. "I'm sorry, Donna. I'm just scared. I don't want to go to jail," he said before leaving the room rubbing at his face, which still bore a red handprint mark.

As soon as Louis left, Mike and Rachel looked at each other and made their excuses to leave. Rachel shot Donna a sympathetic glance and placed her hand on her shoulder as she passed. "I'll call you tonight," she said.

They were alone in the conference room, but Donna couldn't think of anything to say to Harvey. She was still in shock, so they spent a few moments in silence.

"That was one hell of a bitch-slap," said Harvey finally, breaking the ice.

Donna smiled in acknowledgement. "He deserved it," she said.

"You're damned right he did," said Harvey. "And what the? … When did you tell him about the other time?"

"Oh it's a long story," she said dismissingly.

"Try me," he said.

"After he found out about Mike last year he said he wouldn't trust me again unless I told him if we'd ever slept together," she said remembering that awful time when Louis went off the rails. She hoped he wasn't about to go off the rails again. She could handle him being a dick, but she couldn't handle evil Louis.

Harvey twisted his face. "Donna, that's a bit weird," he said, "you don't think … ?"

"What?" she said.

Harvey cleared his throat. "Well you don't think Louis … well … thinks of you in 'that' way, do you?"

Donna twisted her mouth as she thought it over. "Nah," she said. Then she thought some more. "No, he couldn't, could he?"

Harvey smirked. "Donna, that's a creepy question he asked you. And look how angry he's just got about … you know?"

"Right, ok, well I'll have to talk to him about that another time," she said. Of course her close friendship with Louis and how much he cared for her had made her wonder about his true feelings before, but she wasn't about to talk about him with Harvey. "What I want to know now is why you didn't cross-examine me in court today and please tell me the truth."

"You know why, Donna," said Harvey.

"Do I?" she said.

Harvey shrugged and sighed. "I didn't trust myself," he said.

"Trust yourself?" she replied. "What do you mean?"

"I didn't trust myself to not get up there and destroy you. When you took the Fifth I was pissed. I thought we all had it straight in our heads. We agreed to stick together and we agreed to lie if we had to. If I'd cross-examined you I don't think I'd have been able to do it without hurting you."

"Harvey, you told me you were putting what happened the other night behind you for the sake of the trial."

"Well I tried," he shouted, "but I couldn't. I couldn't risk doing to you what I did to Rachel yesterday. If I did that, you'd never have forgiven me. You told me you wanted me to set you free and I can't. I can't even think about living my life without you, but I just want us to get through this. I can't think of anything else right now."

"Ok," said Donna taking his hand. "I understand." Harvey looked at her intensely and she felt like he was going to move in to kiss her. "We'll talk after the trial," she said quickly diffusing the situation. Harvey nodded in agreement.

She left the conference room, took the elevator and went home for the evening feeling happier than she had all week. Finally they were getting somewhere.


	7. Chapter 7 - Faith

WHERE YOU BELONG

CHAPTER SEVEN

It was all over. Mike's trial hadn't gone well, but in the end Mike had taken the deal Anita Gibbs had offered him because he was afraid. He hadn't trusted the jury's verdict would be in his favour so despite Harvey's protestations, the last minute rush to save him and all the hard work they'd all done, Mike had taken the hit. He bravely (or stupidly) decided that he would take a deal which guaranteed everyone who had been complicit in his fraud would be free from further scrutiny.

The downside to the deal being he would lose two years of his life and Harvey was finding that hard to bear. Harder to bear than the mass exodus of most of Pearson Spector Litt's staff. He couldn't blame his colleagues for jumping ship. The Pearson Spector Litt name was ruined forever. Mike had saved them all from prosecution, but his admission of guilt had destroyed the firm. The world knew they had hired a fraud. How could New York's City finest legal firm not know they had a fake lawyer working on their high profile cases? What the hell had he been thinking five years ago? It was all his fault and he knew it.

When Mike was first arrested weeks ago Harvey Specter was fired up to fix things, adrenaline pumping through his veins and the excitement of the biggest challenge of his life giving him a buzz which was both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. Failing wasn't an option, but he had failed and he hated himself for it.

He reflected on how quickly things had gone from bad to worse, not helped by the fact that Mike was guilty of everything he'd been accused. Everyone knew he was guilty. Every one of their colleagues in the firm knew. Their competitors and clients knew he was guilty. There had been no way out from day one and when the walls closed in it was only a question of who would be the one to fall on their sword first. Harvey had wanted to be the one to take the hit, but Mike had got there before him. The thought of Mike taking the fall for the both of them was eating him up inside. How on earth was he going to get through the next two years knowing his friend was in jail and he was responsible for putting him there? Mike had only been a kid when he took him on five years ago and he'd known nothing of the legal world. Harvey knew what he was doing. It was his responsibility.

He sat in his office on the deserted 50th floor with only a bottle of scotch for company. He couldn't remember how many glasses he'd poured himself but he welcomed the warmth and light-headedness which was now the consequence. He didn't know what else to do but sit in his office and drink. Something would come to him – he was sure of that. He'd think of a way to get Mike out of prison and he'd think of a way to rebuild the firm, but for now he just wanted to make the feelings go away and the only way he could do that was to drown them with alcohol.

At least he didn't have to think about saving anybody else – for now at least. Anita Gibbs, the tenacious prosecutor of Mike's case, wouldn't be coming after him or Jessica or Louis or anyone else who had known Mike Ross's secret. But this was down to Mike's sacrifice, not his. He hadn't saved them. He had failed. He had done nothing. He had met lawyers like Gibbs before. Who had Louis likened her to? Inspector Javert, the resolute antagonist from Les Miserables, one of his beloved Broadway musicals. Harvey hadn't heard of the character, but he got the analogy from Louis's description and he had thought it was apt. God, he hated this woman. He'd make her pay for what she'd done to Mike and his friends. There'd be something he would get on her and when he found it, he'd screw her into the ground.

He poured himself another glass of scotch. His hands were unsteady now thanks to the intoxicating effects of the alcohol and he had to steady his wrist as he poured. He didn't care. He'd finish the bottle, then … well maybe he'd go home, maybe he wouldn't.

Presently, his mind flipped to Donna. He'd sent her a text message half an hour ago as he couldn't bring himself to speak to her. It didn't say what he wanted to say of course, which was that he needed her now more than ever. All it said was "I'm sorry for failing you". She hadn't replied and he had felt sick to the pit of his stomach when he remembered that day weeks ago when she had told him she wanted to be set free. She wanted to live her life away from him and he had no doubt that she'd be joining the rest of the firm soon. Unlike the others though, she wouldn't be leaving because Pearson Spector Litt's name was tarnished forever. She would be leaving because of him.

His heart broke as he became more and more sure that he'd lost Mike, he'd lost his firm and – worst of all – he'd lost Donna. Harvey felt more for Donna than he had felt for anybody in his entire life – including his father and brother. She had stood by his side for thirteen years and she had never lost faith in him. Damn, if only he could have as much faith in himself as she had in him. She loved him and he now realised – finally – that he loved her.

But he couldn't be the man she deserved. He knew he wasn't good enough for her.

"You ok Harvey?"

Donna's soft voice broke into his office. He closed his eyes, 'thank god she came,' he thought as he turned to look at her. Her face was full of concern as she looked back at him.

"Yeah," said Harvey, "just sitting here … you know … thinking."

She walked over to him and sat down on the sofa. THAT sofa. The sofa they'd sat upon just before he'd made love to her in his office weeks ago. Images of that night flashed in his mind again. He wanted her so much.

"You don't look ok, Harvey," she said, "How much have you had to drink?"

Harvey could feel the heat from the scotch burning his face. "No idea," he said with a smile. He was telling the truth.

"Well, you look like you've had a lot, so I think we'll call Ray and get you home," she said.

"No, I don't want to go home," said Harvey as he took another drink from his glass. "I don't want to go anywhere. All I can think about is that it should be me sitting in that prison cell right now and I … can't … I can't live with this. I don't know how to get past this."

Donna gulped as she heard Harvey's voice break. She expected he'd find Mike's loss difficult and she was missing him too. Her world had been turned upside down too. "I don't know what to say, Harvey," she said quietly, "so much has happened these past few weeks. It's been a nightmare. We need time to come to terms with all of this and, well, we need to get back to how things were before. We're a team, right? We'll get it all back – we have to."

Harvey shook his head. He couldn't conceive of a way to fix things. How on earth would they repair their reputation? How could they go on without Mike? How could he live without her?

"I don't want you to leave me," he said as he looked into her eyes. He had nothing to lose. He'd lost two fights, he may as well risk the third. At least he'd know where he stood by morning.

"I'm not leaving you Harvey," she replied, her voice breaking under the strain of keeping hold of her tears. "Why would I leave you?"

"You said," came his brief response.

Donna looked confused for a moment. Harvey looked up to her and he could see she was trying to work out what he meant, her brow wrinkled with confusion.

"You said you wanted me to set you free," he added, helping her out.

Donna exhaled in realisation and shook her head. She took the tumbler of scotch out of Harvey's hand and allowed her hands to take its place. "Harvey, do you know why I said that to you?"

Harvey stared at her. God she was beautiful, even more so when she was upset. He found her vulnerability enchanting. Her red hair was brushed softly around her shoulders – a perfect contrast to the blue dress she was wearing. His insides fluttered as he left his hands in hers, revelling in her cooler touch.

"Because of what I do," he replied at last.

"What do you mean, Harvey?" she said.

Harvey sighed and took his hands away. This was going to be harder than he thought. He leaned back on the sofa and looked away from her, staring out over the city skyline.

"Harvey, we have to talk about this. I need to know what you're thinking."

"It's hard for me," he said, his eyes locked onto one of the thousands of stars in the night sky. "I want to say the right things but I never manage it. I'm fed up of getting stuck between trying too hard and not trying enough. I'm sick of failing. I'm sick of being me."

Donna sniffed back tears. He wasn't looking at her but he could feel her eyes fixed upon him and he knew she was crying. "What do you want, Harvey?" she said finally. Her voice was firm, yet strangely gentle at the same time, "and I'm not talking about Mike or the firm. I know you want Mike back and I know you want to get the firm back. What do you want to have with me? Forget about what I said about leaving. If I said to you right now that you get to decide what happens with us, what would you choose?"

"I can't answer this now," he said. He turned away from his view out over Manhattan to look at her again. He hoped she understood that he'd just had the worst day of his life. 'How could she ask me this now?' "I'm scared to hell of saying the wrong goddamn thing," he admitted.

"There is no wrong answer, Harvey, don't you see? You know what you want. You know what is in your heart. You have to tell me because I need to understand," she twisted her face in an attempt to stop more tears from falling, "I deserve an answer to this, Harvey."

"I can't," he said resting back, his arm on the back of his sofa. "I mean I … know what I want, but what I want … what that is … would destroy you. This is what I mean, Donna, this is what I do. I destroy people. I destroy their happiness. I love you, but I can't have you. I know I can't have you because I won't allow myself to have you. You deserve an answer and the answer is you deserve better than me."

Donna's face crumpled. "Is this what the last thirteen years has been about, Harvey? Really? Is this why … ?"

"Not always," he interrupted. "To begin with, after the other time, I wanted to be with you but then you had your rule so I pushed my feelings to one side and got on with things. But, back then, I didn't know you as well. Jesus, if I'd known back then, I'd have told you where to stick that stupid bullshit rule of yours. Then, as time went on you became a part of me anyway. My time with you was better than anything I ever had with anybody else. I loved that. Hey, I know I was selfish, but I felt I had everything and I realised your rule was the reason. If I'd allowed myself to act on the way I felt about you then we wouldn't be sitting here now. I'd have screwed everything up between us years ago. You know this, Donna. You know this is what I do."

"So what do you choose now, Harvey?" asked Donna tenderly. "If you could have exactly what you wanted – ideal world – what would that be?"

Harvey sighed in resignation that he was going to have to tell her. She was right, he owed her the truth. He sat forward on the sofa and looked at her. His heart was beating so fast and his head was starting to throb from drinking, but it was time to step up. Surely his poker hand wasn't that bad. He'd lost Mike and he's lost the firm, surely the odds were in his favour not to catastrophically fuck up for a third time in one day.

"I want to be able to love you in every way possible," he said, "I want to try and I don't know if I can do it because I'm still learning how to love, but I've never been more sure of anything my entire life than I am of this. I've loved you from the first moment we met when you were wearing that god-awful beige sweater and now I love you a million times more. Please help me though. I need you to help me because … because I'm scared to hell."

Donna moved closer to Harvey on the sofa and took his hand in hers again. Tears were falling freely down her face and he reached up and brushed them off her porcelain cheeks. "So what do you say, Donna?" he asked.

She smiled at him. "I say we'll give it a go and I say you're not going to screw up."

He breathed a sigh of relief as the worst day in his life was shattered by a glorious feeling of contentment. "How are you so sure?" he said.

Her face lit up, "because I'm Donna," she beamed, "and because I have faith in you."

THE END


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